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22 August 2006 @ 11:54 pm
Why not me?  
Ok I know its been awhile, but I just need to get something off of my chest..

Have you ever felt like everyone around you has started a new and exciting life and your still stuck in childhood? Everyone around me is getting married, having babies, sharing their lives w/someone, and here I am, 18, almost 19, I have a job where I work minimum wage and I just started Community College. I feel like I'm in a rut, not only in my work and my education, but most of all in my personal life. I'm 18 and I still have yet to have my first REAL kiss. Yes, for those of you who actually read this, I did get my first kiss last year, but it wasn't what I consider a real kiss. It was like a peck on the lips. And it was a from a friend who I liked, but didnt know I liked him. I've never had a boyfriend, never gone on a date. And I hate it, because what I want most of all in the world is to be loved by someone whose not family, or just a friend. I just want someone to love me for who I am... is that so much to ask? Seriously?

Today I found out that the guy I liked for the first three years of high school realized that he loved one of his best friends, and he knew that they should be together from the get go. And for some reason this hurt. I mean physically hurt. I thought about it and I realized the reason why it hurt so much was because now I realized that I never had a chance w/him to begin with, and it feels like i wasted 3 years trying to pursue him, when I could have looked around me and looked for someone else. I know this is stupid, and it might seem like some idiotic high school crap to some people, but most of you don't know what its like. All I wanted when I went to high school was to be normal. I wanted to go on dates, have boyfriends, but none of that happened... it just didnt turn out that way, and I've never understood why me... why am I the one thats destined to be by myself? Why must I suffer while other people get exactly what they want while I'm left her waiting? Its not fair. And I know right now that some of you are thinking, well, Casey, lifes not fair, but don't you think everyone deserves a chance at some kind of happiness? I just want what everyone else got, a chance for a summer romance, a first real kiss, a first date. I want love... whats wrong with that?

Current Location: my room
Current Mood: numbnumb
Current Movie/Music: none